Every now and then, there comes a game that everybody viciously masturbates to before it is even released, longing for the day when the video game nerds rise with their hundred dollar bills and slam them on the counters of video game stores across the universe, demanding the game or the clerk's flesh. The game I am reviewing that goes along that sort of guideline, is Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 3, or MW3 for you lazy typers out there.
When you pop the game into your nifty Xbox 360 (After trying not to break the disk when you take it out of the fucking case), you are greeted by the hideous voice of what seems to be a teenager going through late puberty. It is like taking cheese graders and putting it to your ears while an old person's orgy goes on in front of you. It really is hard to listen to this guy's rambling, I mean, great speech, when you are curled up on the floor begging God for forgiveness. I am wondering what kind of satanic person heard this guy voice act and go: "Holy hell, this is a perfect lead antagonist and opening scene that you can skip voice!"
Anyway, moving on.
You start the game in WW3 it seems like, my only guess when they show MW3, and the M slowly flips to dramatic music revealing WW3. Clever, eh? I feel the only reason to make the Modern Warfare series was to get to the third sequel and do that.
Ah fuck, I started rambling again. Well, the game opens up and some voices tell you that Russia is attacking New York City and that they are winning. Naturally, this means that you must count on six or so men to turn the tides, for the Russians have control of the airspace and have a jammer up. You play as Derek "Frost" Last-Name-I-Forget, and you are a part of such team. I guess Overlord picked up that you were player and therefore can mow down a hundred men and simultaneously watch your daytime television, laughing whimsically at how funny that fucking Kelly Rippa is.
So you slowly get to the tower, killing some Russians, who are always the villians in shooters, and listening to the amusing dialogue your team says. Finally, you go up the building, do everything because the game needed and extra use for the X button, and you watch the tower fall, followed by the giddy Hoorays from all the Americans finally able to talk to someone while someone tries to kill them ten feet away. I can imagine that shouting to Russians means: "We are defenseless Americans overcome by glee! Kill us!"
Anyhow, through the next level, you use a personal submarine and go to a giant submarine to kill more people, then you play as Yuri, the not-so-lesbian-hentai Russian Ex-Spetznav that seems pretty epic given what people say about you. So you go with this guy Price and his buddy Soap for a while, and you try to get to Makarov, with is the cheese grader orgy voice guy in the beginning. I can't blame them. I would want to kill the guy as well for being born.
After a few levels, though, Soap gets shot, and you bring him to an wooden table, where he pretty such dies and reveals to Price beforehand you knew Makarov. So Price yells: "SOAP" a few times, as if he was in the shower, dropped his soap, and now he has inconvenience of picking it up. Though, more like, the soap imploded and he was your only friend.
Anyhow, Price then leads you through some bullets, and the bastard ends up kicking you down a fucking flight of stairs, demanding how you knew Makarov. You then go into a flashback where you worked for Makarov, but the little bitch, with his trauma inducing voice, betrays you and shoots you. By the way, you are not in gameplay mode, so one bullet shot apparently actually is life threatening in cutscenes.
So you stumble through an airport he fucking seemed to have bombed, before you get saved. After this, you go through a few levels as Frost and Yuri as well, in which I sort of forget. I do remember walking through the Catacombs under Paris, but I forget as who. Don't yell at me.
At the end, you suddenly play as Price and Yuri is your partner this time. You seem to be wearing goddamn spacesuits, and you mow down all of Makarov's little grunts while a time meter ticks down like he is going to blow the place up or something. Maybe that actually happened to that airport...
And you get to the top floor, he fucks up Yuri, and you tussle on the ground as if you are in preschool and he stole your Oreo. Finally, you wrap a rope around his neck, punch in the convenient glass roof you guys are on, and you watch that fucker get hung. So long, shitty voice acting!
The thing is, the story is so god damn short, and it sadly is the only thing making it stand apart from any other CoD game. They all seem the same! Though, horrible trailer aside, Black Ops II seems to have listened to that plea, and it looks fucking awesome.
Jay rates this game an 8.4/10. It is basically like every other shooter, and every other CoD specifically, but it was still fun.
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